Talking to Kids about Death

Introduction 

Death is something that often isn’t discussed at a young age until a loved one (whether that be a family member, friend, or pet) passes away. Even then, it’s common to think that kids don’t understand the concept of death or experience grief to the level that adolescents and adults do. However, babies begin to develop a mental image of a person who has passed away, as well as a sense of missing that person, starting around eight months old (Child Bereavement UK, n.d.). This blog will further expand on how parents and clinicians can talk to kids about the loss of a loved one in an age-appropriate manner, as well as a few clinical interventions used to help kids cope with grief and a list of online grief support resources that may be helpful for kids and their families.

Age-Appropriate Communication 

When discussing death, it’s important to use language that kids will understand based on their age and developmental stage (Ehmke, 2023). This section will discuss the typical cognitive level kids have in relation to death as toddlers, elementary schoolers, and middle schoolers, as well as helpful ways to discuss death for each age group. 

• Ages 2-4

• Typically cannot comprehend death or accept that it is permanent. 

• Highly focused on the present.  

• Might keep asking the same questions, so it’s important to be patient and show reassurance. 

• Provide honest, direct, and brief answers – This can help them to feel more secure & can avoid confusion about the death. 

• Ages 4-7 

• May believe that death is avoidable. 

• Tend to ask a lot of concrete questions (e.g., “How did Sam die?” or “What will happen to Sam now?”). 

• Avoid the use of euphemisms – Unclear language can make kids feel anxious & confused or may lead them to believe the deceased will come back, therefore death not being permanent. 

• Ages 7-13

• Start to realize that death is inevitable. 

• Tend to ask specific questions & have a desire for detail. 

• Begin to have the ability to mourn & to understand & recognize mourning in others.

• Allow kids to express all their emotions, providing freedom to choose when it comes to attending memorial services & funerals, & providing concrete answers to questions about the death. 

Clinical Interventions 

Along with knowing how to talk to kids about death in an age-appropriate manner, it’s also important to be aware of the different ways kids can cope with their grief. Oftentimes, death, loss, and grief can occur unexpectedly, so it can be helpful to have a toolkit of ways to help them cope with their grief.

• Art

• • • Drawing or coloring pictures of a loved one and identifying what they will miss most about them (Morin, 2023). 
    • Creating a scrapbook of their favorite memories with their loved one (Morin, 2023).
    • Creating a memory box (UC Davis Children’s Hospital, n.d.). 

• Self-expression

• • • Writing notes of gratitude for loved ones to express ways each person has cared, encouraged, inspired, and supported them (UC Davis Children’s Hospital, n.d.).
    • Helping the child identify how they’re feeling and what they can do with each feeling (UC Davis Children’s Hospital, n.d.). 
    • Looking at pictures of the loved one while talking about them (Morin, 2023).

• Books

• • Serves as a tool that helps kids process their grief by showing characters who have experienced something similar (Ehmke, 2023). 
  • Can help kids understand complex feelings, explain the facts & permanence of death, and/or connect with memories of their deceased loved one (Ehmke, 2023). 

Online Grief Support Resources for Kids

• Dougy Center (www.dougy.com) 
• Good Grief (https://good-grief.org/resources/) 
• National Alliance for Children’s Alliance (https://nacg.org) 
• Sesame Workshop (https://sesameworkshop.org/topics/grief/) 

Conclusion 

The loss of a loved one is something that can be experienced at any age and can impact individuals across their lifespan. As mentioned in the beginning, kids can experience the feeling of grief at the same level that adolescents and adults do. Therefore, it’s important to talk to kids about death in a direct and honest manner based on their age and developmental stage and to let them grieve in a safe and healthy way.

References 

Child Bereavement UK. (n.d.). Children’s understanding of death at different ages. https://www.childbereavementuk.org/childrens-understanding-of-death-at-different-ages 

Dougy Center. (2021). Grief resources for kids. https://www.dougy.org/resources/audience/kids 

Ehmke, R. (2023). Helping children cope with grief. Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/guide/helping-children-cope-with-grief/#block_794604a7-6a28-48c1-895b-d3022c43d55d 

Morin, A. (2023). Grief counseling for children. Verywell Family. https://www.verywellfamily.com/grief-counseling-for-children-4173493 

UC Davis Children’s Hospital. (n.d.). Activities for grieving children and families. https://health.ucdavis.edu/children/patient-education/bereavement-activities