April 5, 2024

How to tell your Child About the Medical Diagnosis of a Loved One

By: Emily Doane, MSW Practicum Student & Janelle Schenk, LMSW

Preparing to have this Conversation with your Child

There are various considerations that go into the recommendations related to having a talk with your child about the medical diagnosis of a loved one. The main topics discussed in this blog in reference to having this conversation with your children include: considerations for parents, basic recommendations of how to start a conversation or what to keep in mind when having this conversation, and some differences in how you may deliver or approach a conversation with a child based on their age.

Considerations for Parents

The first consideration is to talk with your parenting partner, if applicable to your situation. It is important to be on the same page about the content you share with your child, and discuss any potential reaction the child may have, as well as any needs or concerns. You should also consider your own emotional readiness to discuss this hard topic with your child. If you still have lingering questions or concerns, delaying the conversation may be appropriate. Finally, prepare for who you would like present during the conversation and to have an uninterrupted discussion.

Basics of Talking with your Child

The first recommendation is to keep it simple and age appropriate. Younger children will need simpler phrasing, while older children will need more honest answers. It is important to consider your child’s age when preparing for this conversation as not all ages will need the same information. Be honest with your child about what is going on, and don’t feel the need to hide your emotions. It may help your child understand and process their own emotions if they see you having similar feelings. You can also talk about healthy ways to express those feelings.

For younger children, it may be beneficial to highlight “helpers” or people helping out your loved one and family. You may discuss treatment more in detail with older children, and can also highlight the roles of doctors and nurses that are helping out in treatment. This situation is scary for children of all ages, and highlighting helper’s may ease some of that concern.

Depending on who is diagnosed, talk about how their lives will change day to day. These changes may be big or little, but for a child of any age it is important to communicate what these changes might look like, and reassure that you will plan for it, and will work with them on any necessary changes. And just as you prepared before having this conversation, be ready to answer any questions they may have.

Differences by Ages

Up to 3

For children that are 3 years old or younger, this conversation will be more ongoing, rather than a single discussion. Using the most simplified explanation is ideal, and focus on the present, rather than what might happen in the future. Visual aids like dolls can help in explaining where the sickness is on the body of the loved one and can be used to gauge understanding. Especially if a parent is sick, reassure the child often that they will be home soon (if true). Emphasize the “helpers” and allow the child to call often, preferably using video calls to allow the child to see the loved one. Provide cuddles and hugs often to provide emotional support to your child. It may be beneficial to consult a clinician to consider the emotional toll for both the child and caretaker of the child.

Aged 4-6

For children that are 4-6 years old, maintain simple and clear communication. Children in this age group may begin to question if the diagnosis is contagious; reassure the child that they are safe and healthy. Continue to use play or artwork as a way to explain and test comprehension. Regularly check in with the child about their emotions and reassure them that any sadness they see from a parent is not because of the child, but because of the diagnosis. You may also consider teaching acceptable expressions of emotions. Try not to focus on logic, such as telling the child not to behave in a manner because of respect and kindness, but rather focus on alternative behaviors such as talking, drawing, even screaming into or punching a pillow. It may also be beneficial to create ample opportunities for physical activity with the child.

Aged 7-12

For children that are 7-12 years old, you can begin to offer more detailed information. You may begin to explain treatment and update the children throughout the medical journey. Be sure to gauge their reaction and not overwhelm the child. It is important for this age group to normalize big emotions, like crying and anger, while continuing to teach appropriate forms of expressing those feelings. Encourage your children to ask questions and talk openly about how they feel.

Teens

Teenagers should get the most detailed information. They will understand the most about what is going on and if something is wrong, so it is important to maintain honesty. Keep them updated on treatment details and continue to encourage open communication. On occasion, teenagers may not want to talk or share their feelings and that is okay. Encourage other forms of expression, such as journaling or art.

For kids of all ages, it is crucial to emphasize the importance of maintaining a social life and having fun. Try to keep a regular schedule of after school sports and activities and encourage the children to see friends often. Teenagers may feel the need to step up at home and take on more responsibilities. Remind them that while this is appreciated, it is important to remember that they are still kids and fun should be a priority.

Summary/Conclusion

When preparing to have this conversation make sure to check in with yourself. Get on the same page with your partner if you have one. Check in with your own emotions and understanding of the diagnosis. When talking to the child, understand how their age should affect the content of the discussion. Be honest, be supportive, and try to keep the child’s schedule as regular as possible. Emotions are okay and teach appropriate expressions of those emotions. Finally, try to encourage ample opportunities for fun!