ASD and Love

Introduction

Love is complicated. People have different ways of expressing love and different ways that they prefer to receive love. It can be difficult as a parent to understand how to express love to your child with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and how your child expresses love to you. Even if you do not hear it said, your child loves you. 

Love Languages

There is a popular concept that there are five love languages which are ways that people like to express or receive love. They include words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gift giving. Although there is a lack of research on the love languages themselves, many neurotypical people find them to be a helpful framework in understanding their loved ones. Someone with ASD, on the other hand, might react differently to these love languages or enjoy them (Lee, 2022).

Words of Affirmation

Words of affirmation are often preferred by neurotypical people (Lee, 2022). People who like words of affirmation desire to receive loving and supporting messages. Some examples include verbally telling someone you love them, compliments, or words of encouragement. Someone with ASD might get overwhelmed with all of the attention that comes from words of affirmation (Lee, 2022). This does not mean that everyone with ASD is not receptive to words of affirmation.

Quality Time

Quality time means spending time with someone you love. This can include working side-by-side, being alone together, sharing information, or doing a fun activity together. Someone with ASD might enjoy quality time when it involves their special interest (Lee, 2022). Asking your child if they want to do an activity with you or talk about a certain subject could be appreciated.

Acts of Service

Acts of service are when you help your loved one to solve problems or make their life easier. Some examples are doing chores, cooking them a meal, or running errands. While your child might enjoy a delicious meal, they might not appreciate it if you move their items around. Be careful to not mess up their routine (Lee, 2022).

Gift Giving

Gift giving does not have to mean giving your child an expensive gift. Yes, this can be nice, but gift giving can include things like their favorite snack or some flowers. Gift giving might require some expectation setting. If your child receives a gift they might continue to expect gifts in similar situations. 

Physical Touch

Physical touch can include gentle touches, hugs, or kisses. For someone with ASD, this is hit-or-miss. It could be soothing or very annoying (Lee, 2022). Hugs specifically have interesting results.

Hugs

Parents want to hug their child, but their child’s reaction to hugs could vary. One specific way that reactions could vary is based on your child’s mood. A study that interviewed autistic individuals found that participants reacted best to hugging when they had mild positive emotions. When participants had stronger emotions, even if they were positive, they did not welcome hugs. This is because strong emotions can increase sensory sensitivity in autistic individuals (Georgiou, 2021). 

Another study found that hugs can be deeply soothing in stressful situations for individuals with ASD. This study wanted to find ways to help people with ASD remain calm when facing a stressful situation like talking to someone new. They provided participants with a huggable device called a “Hugvie.” The researchers found that hugging this device reduced the psychological stress related to talking to a new person. Sensory seeking behaviors are a way to self-regulate anxiety, and hugs can help (Kumazaki et al., 2021). 

Alternative Ways That You Show Your Child Love

Your child knows that you love them, even if they do not like to receive love in traditional ways like hugging or words of affirmation. You are still showing them love by providing company, support, and engaging with their interests. Emotional warmth is important even if your child does not directly respond to it. You can help your child feel loved by other family members by explaining what your child does and does not like. Suggesting conversation topics could be helpful as well (Gehret, 2022).

Ways Your Child Shows You Love

Brain scans of autistic individuals show that different areas are activated for love than for neurotypical people. The empathy circuitry of their brains are also working differently. They do feel love and empathy, but may struggle to find ways to give it back. There are ways that your child shows you love, and every child has a unique way of expressing love. This can include small practical acts like cleaning up. It can also mean discussing something they are interested in, showing you something they worked on, or even asking for help (Attwood & Garnett, 2023; Emanuel, 2017). 

Conclusion 

Even if you do not hear the words “I love you,” remember that your child does love you and appreciates everything you do for them. They are expressing love to you, but it might not be in the traditional ways that you expect. Know that your child feels your love, but they might need you to alter the ways you want to express love in order to make them feel comfortable. 

References

Attwood & Garnett. (2023, March 26). 10 things you need to know about your autistic partner. Attwood and Garnett Events. https://attwoodandgarnettevents.com/10-things-you-need-to-know-about-your-autistic-partner/

Emanuel, K. (2017, January 22). How to love your child with autism when they don’t (seem to) Love you back. Exceptional Lives. https://exceptionallives.org/blog/how-to-love-your-child-autism/

Gehret, M. (2022, September 20). Autism, touch, and affection. Spectrum of Hope Houston. https://spectrumofhope.com/blog/autism-touch-affection/

Georgiou, A. (2021, June 8). “I don’t mind people hugging me when I’m happy”: Autistic individuals’ experience of emotions on their sensory world: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. London Met Repository. https://repository.londonmet.ac.uk/6984/ 

Kumazaki, H., Sumioka, H., Muramatsu, T., Yoshikawa, Y., Shimaya, J., Iwanaga, R., Ishiguro, H., Sumiyoshi, T., & Mimura, M. (2021). Brief report: The effectiveness of hugging a huggable device before having a conversation with an unfamiliar person for autism spectrum disorders. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 52(7), 3294–3303. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-021-05173-8

Lee, C. I. (2022, February 22). Autism in relationships: How to show your affection. LA Concierge Psychologist. https://laconciergepsychologist.com/blog/autism-relationships-how-to-show-affection/