Talking to Children About School Violence

Why is it important?

In response to the many shootings that continue to happen across the country, it is important to address children’s concerns. Children will find out about current events even if we try to avoid them. Children are not immune to the news, especially when they have access to social media. Constant media coverage makes children hyper aware of the egregious things that happen in our world. It is important to recognise the signs of anxiety and depression in children so we can help children find balance and solace.

Recognizing Distress in Children

Preschool and young school age:

At this age, children are very involved in play and reaching milestones. A sign of distress can be children regressing in things they have already mastered, like toileting, language, social skills, and academics. Themes that resemble the trauma may appear in play and these are an area of concern when they become repetitive, distressing, and constant. Children at this age might also have difficulty sleeping due to nightmares and night terrors, and may have a fear of going to sleep. Young children also struggle to understand the permanence of death, so certain events may be confusing to them.

Regressions in developmental skills
Repetitive play that mimics the trauma
Nightmares, night terrors, or fear of going to sleep

School age children:

At this age, children are becoming more social and more aware of their peers. School age children may verbalize their concerns about safety for themselves or for others. They may check in on friends’ and family’s whereabouts constantly and be overly cautious. School age children may also have changes in behavior that cause them to be overly aggressive and reckless. Watching for changes in behavior can help determine the support your child needs.

Persistent concern about safety of self or others
Physiological responses (i.e. headaches and stomach aches) without obvious cause
May experience guilt or shame from feeling helpless
Changes in behavior including reckless or aggressive behavior

Adolescents:

At this age, teens are more connected to the news, media, and their peers. Adolescents may be more aware of social events and aware of them faster than others. It is important to monitor how quickly their social media and news platforms inform them of current events. At this age teens may show harmful or risky behaviors. They may express a want for revenge or fantasize about retribution. They may also become fixated on or be self-conscious about how they reacted when the event occurred or when they heard about it. You may also notice changes in sleep, eating, and activity.

May engage in self-destructive or risky behaviors.
May express fantasies about revenge and retribution
Self-conscious about their emotional responses to the event
Changes in sleep, eating, and activity level.

Across all ages:

Lastly, across all ages children may experience a fear of going to school. This may look like school refusal if they do not have the words to communicate this fear. Nightmares, terrors, and flashbacks are all possible after witnessing a traumatic event. These may even occur in some children and adolescents after seeing events on the television or social media. Watching for any changes in your child’s normal pattern is a sign that your child may need support.

Fear and refusal of attending school
Nightmares, night terrors, and flashbacks
Changes in sleep, eating, and activity level

How to communicate with children about violence

Oftentimes, children hear and know more than we think. The first step in talking to your child should be evaluating what they already know. This is important so that your child does not feel overwhelmed by too much new information. Sometimes information can come from unreliable sources, so it is important to help your child understand misconceptions and how to avoid fake information. We do not want to overwhelm children, but we also want to be careful that we are not lying to them as well. As stated, children often know more about the events occurring than we think, so we should not deny that information.

When providing information about violent events, It is best to keep your statements short, clear, factual, and developmentally appropriate*. This can be done by keeping statements simple. In addition, helping your child understand the difference between the possibility of an event occurring and the probability of an event occurring can be beneficial. There is a possibility of violence occurring in school, however the probability is low. This can help your child feel safer in school.

*Developmentally Appropriate language may look like:

Preschool Age: Keeping it short to a one sentence story, “Someone who was very angry hurt a lot of people, and that was wrong.”

Elementary Age: Help them see positive people, and listen to their emotions. “I hear you are very scared about this event. There are people trying to help.”

Adolescents: Help them find ways they can help, “I know it is frustrating and scary that shootings happen. What is something you could do to help? What is something that I could do? What could we do together?”

It is also important to communicate with your child the proper steps when they fear danger is imminent. Encourage them to speak up when they hear something that makes them feel uncomfortable, nervous, or frightened, and tell them to say something to a trusted adult or authority figure when they see something suspicious. This is a way for them to understand safety tips and also feel a sense of control.

Ask children what they already know
Do not overwhelm children with too much information
Understand where their information is coming from
Correct any misconceptions
Try not to lie to them
Keep your statements simple, factual, clear, and sensitively worded
Help them understand the difference between possibility and probability
Encourage them to speak up
Tell your children to say something to a trusted adult or authority figure when they see something suspicious

How to maintain balance

Maintaining balance after tragedy is important to helping your child heal. Sticking to your child’s normal routine and trying not to change too much can help them feel emotionally regulated and calm. Another way to help them stay calm is by modeling positive coping strategies that help you and encouraging them to learn them too. Staying in touch with family and friends that provide positive support for you and your child can be beneficial during stressful events.

Sometimes preschool and young school age children may believe that tragedy is their fault and adolescents may fixate on how they reacted during an event. It is important to reassure both ages that it is not their fault, they did nothing to cause it, and their reaction was valid. This can help them to better understand their own role in events and not feel guilt or shame. Lastly, it is important to limit the amount of media your children are consuming relating to traumatic events. Turning off the tragic news when children are around, and monitoring social media can help limit how much and how fast children are exposed to these events. But it is important to not keep them from it completely.

Stick to your child’s normal routine
Limit media coverage, including social media
Have a clear method of communication in emergency situations
Reassure them this is not their fault
Model positive coping strategies
Watch for changes in behavior following violent events
Stay connected with positive support people

Resources for Kids

American Red Cross: Video about coping strategies

American Red Cross: Workbook for coping strategies

https://www.redcross.org/content/dam/redcross/get-help/youth/pwp/resilience/en-redcross-preparewithpedro-resilience-and-coping-story_1.28.22.pdf

Piplo Productions: Storybook about handling fear