ADHD and Difficulties in Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships can be both rewarding and challenging. They require communication, understanding, and compromise, and when one or both partners struggle with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), these challenges can become more pronounced. ADHD is characterized by symptoms of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity (APA, 2022), and while it is often associated with difficulties in academic or professional settings, its impact on romantic relationships should not be ignored. This blog explores the effects of ADHD on romantic relationships and provides tips for how to address common areas of conflict in these relationships.  

Effects of ADHD on Romantic Relationships

A literature review conducted by Wymbs et al. in 2021 shed light on the relationship between adult ADHD and romantic partnerships. Their findings indicate that adults with ADHD tend to report lower levels of satisfaction in their relationships, engage in higher levels of hostile conflict behavior, and exhibit more negative and less positive conflict resolution behavior than those without the condition (Wymbs et al., 2021).

One possible underlying cause of the challenges in navigating romantic relationships for individuals with ADHD is the high prevalence of emotional dysregulation in adults with the condition. Research by Bodalski et al. (2018) and Bruner et al. (2015) suggests that emotional dysregulation is associated with poor conflict resolution skills and lower overall relationship satisfaction. Emotional outbursts, impulsive reactions, and mood swings can create an unpredictable and tense environment within the relationship.

Behaviors Resulting in Conflict

Individuals with ADHD may engage in behaviors consistent with the symptoms of inattention and hyperactivity-impulsivity that contribute to discord in their relationships. Non-ADHD partners may also engage in behaviors that do not support the partner with ADHD and consequently contribute to disorder in the relationship as well. These behaviors can become sources of frustration for both partners and hinder effective communication. Here is a list of some (not all) behaviors that may result in conflict and tips to resolve them as drawn from The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov:

Hyperfocus Dating: Individuals with ADHD may hyperfocus on their partner, meaning that the individual with ADHD may give an extreme level of attention and effort to their partner, in the early stages of the relationship. When this stops, it can feel like a sudden change to the partner on the receiving end, leading to feelings of being ignored, or even neglected. 

• Tip: Address feelings of inattention to your partner with ADHD and together you both can find ways to improve your connection and intimacy. 

Chores: Distribution of chores often serves as an area for conflict in relationships, but the workload imbalance can be more profound in relationships with a partner with ADHD. 

• Tip for partner with ADHD: Forgetfulness and lack of motivation tend to be two common barriers for individuals with ADHD completing a task. Try different strategies to motivate or remind you to do chores. Managing symptoms of ADHD can be difficult to do alone or without expertise, so seeking a mental health professional for treatment may be helpful.
• Tip for the partner supporting their partner with ADHD: Resist the urge to nag your partner, as this can result in feelings of resentment and shame. Exercise patience and help your partner enforce systems they may be utilizing to manage their symptoms. 

Impulsive Responses: Difficulties with impulsivity is a common attribute of ADHD, and an individual with ADHD may say or do something without fullying thinking about it beforehand, especially in moments of anger. 

• Tip for partner with ADHD: During arguments, it can be easy to say things you might regret later. Reflect on situations in which you blurted something out impulsively. Notice your body and your emotions, as they may be giving you signs that you should stop before you say something you’ll regret. For help with emotion regulation, see a mental health professional. 
• Tip for the partner supporting their partner with ADHD: Help your partner notice signs of agitation and delegate when to stop and revisit a conversation. It may be helpful to have your partner take notes on the conversation and revisit it once they have fully thought about their response. 

Recognizing and addressing the specific challenges associated with ADHD in relationships is crucial for both partners. Effective communication, education about ADHD, and seeking support from mental health professionals can help couples navigate these challenges and build healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Additionally, fostering empathy and understanding between partners is essential in creating a supportive environment where both individuals can thrive despite the challenges posed by ADHD.

References 

American Psychiatric Association. (2022, June). What is ADHD? https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/adhd/what-is-adhd 

Wymbs, B. T., Canu, W. H., Sacchetti, G. M., & Ranson, L. M. (2021). Adult ADHD and romantic relationships: What we know and what we can do to help. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47(3), 664–681. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12475 

Bodalski, E. A., Knouse, L. E., & Kovalev, D. (2018). Adult ADHD, emotion dysregulation, and functional outcomes: Examining the role of Emotion Regulation Strategies. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 41(1), 81–92. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10862-018-9695-1 

Bruner, M. R., Kuryluk, A. D., & Whitton, S. W. (2015). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder symptom levels and romantic relationship quality in college students. Journal of American College Health, 63(2), 98–108. https://doi.org/10.1080/07448481.2014.975717 

Orlov, M. (2010). The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps. Specialty Press.