Talking to Adopted Children About Adoption

Introduction

For many adoptive parents, talking to their child about adoption can feel daunting. Parents may wonder how much information to share, when to introduce certain topics, or what is considered age-appropriate. There is no single “right” way to talk about adoption, and every child and family will approach these conversations differently. However, having open conversations about adoption is important, as these conversations can support a child’s emotional well-being and identity development (Ranieri et al., 2025b). Creating an open, welcoming, and inclusive environment can also encourage a child’s curiosity while maintaining transparency about adoption-related topics (Brodzinsky, 2005). Therefore, it is important to have family conversations about adoption early and often. Rather than viewing adoption as a single conversation, parents can think of it as an ongoing process of family life. This blog highlights several strategies that parents can use to create a safe and supportive environment where their child feels comfortable to ask questions, express emotions, and explore their story.

Honest, Positive, and Respectful Language

Introducing adoption-related terms and concepts early can help children become comfortable talking about their own story. Using respectful language can also help challenge the stigma that sometimes surrounds adoption and avoid placing blame or shame on anyone involved. For example, instead of saying that a birth parent “gave a child up,” you might say that “they made an adoption plan.” Using positive language does not mean difficult emotions will not arise. Adoption can bring up feelings of sadness, confusion, grief, or curiosity, and children need space to express those feelings. Reassure your child that they are safe, loved, and supported, and that questions about adoption are always welcome.

Sharing Family Perspectives

Adoption affects the entire family, and family members may not always experience or talk about adoption in the same way. For instance, some parents may be more open to talking about adoption while their children may avoid the subject. Considering and welcoming all perspectives helps to “normalize” differences, create a positive family environment, and support the value of everyone’s unique contributions (Ranieri et al., 2025a). Additionally, parents may support adopted children differently, with each playing their own unique role in the child’s life (Ranieri et al., 2025a). Considering the parent’s own relationship with the child may play a role in how the conversation is approached. You also do not need to have all of the answers! It is okay to say, “I don’t know, but we can try to find out together.” Being honest can help build trust and show your child that they can come to you with their questions.

Age-Appropriate Conversations

The most important consideration when talking to kids about adoption is keeping the conversation age-appropriate. Children understand adoption differently as they grow, so conversations should evolve with them. Although there is no concrete formula for what to say at each age, it may be helpful to prepare for conversations, as children begin to understand and ask questions about adoption early (Farr & Grotevant, 2019).

Young Children:

• Keep explanations simple
• Answer the question they asked
• Repeat information clearly and often
• Reassure them that they are safe and loved

Elementary-Aged Children:

• Introduce more details about their history (if relevant, known, and age-appropriate)
• Explain terms such as “adoption,” “birth family,” and “adoptive parents”
• Clarify any misconceptions
• Provide an opportunity for them to ask questions
• Talk about the different ways families are formed

Adolescents:

• Allow them to be active participants in conversations about their adoption story
• Talk about identity, relationships, culture, and birth family connections
• Have conversations about what adoption means to them
• Give them space to process their emotions

Importance of Ongoing Conversations

Talking about adoption is not a one-time conversation as an adopted child will forever hold adoption as a part of their identity. As children grow, their understanding of adoption and questions about adoption may evolve. Ongoing conversations that are honest, calm, and accepting shows a child that their parent(s) are supportive and a safe outlet. In addition, some children may need time or privacy before they are ready to discuss certain topics, so let them know that the door is always open while respecting their boundaries.

Parent Support

Conversations about adoption can be challenging, and parents are not expected to have all of the answers. There are many resources available to help families navigate these conversations. Children’s books about adoption can be a helpful way to introduce concepts or provide a starting point for discussion. Families may also benefit from adoption-competent mental health professionals, adoption agencies, or support groups. Asking for support does not mean that you are doing something wrong. Sometimes an outside perspective can help provide helpful tools to parents and families. Our team at Sunfield Center is also here to help families navigate these conversations and find the support that they need.

No Perfect Conversation

You do not need to have the perfect words or know exactly what to say. What matters most is creating a family environment where adoption can be discussed openly, honestly, and without shame. As your child grows, continue listening, provide developmentally appropriate information, and remind them that they can always come to you. By keeping the conversation open, you can help your child feel supported as they develop their own understanding of their adoption story, identity, and family.

References

Brodzinsky, D. M. (2005). Reconceptualizing Openness in Adoption: Implications for Theory, Research, and Practice. In D. M. Brodzinsky & J. Palacios (Eds.), Psychological issues in adoption: Research and practice (pp. 145–166). Praeger Publishers/Greenwood Publishing Group.

Farr, R. H., & Grotevant, H. D. (2019). Adoption. In B. H. Fiese, M. Celano, K. Deater-Deckard, E. N. Jouriles, & M. A. Whisman (Eds.), APA handbook of contemporary family psychology: Foundations, methods, and contemporary issues across the lifespan (pp. 725–741). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000099-040

Ranieri, S., Ferrari, L., Rosnati, R., Zambelli, M., Tagliabue, S., & Brodzinsky, D. (2025a, November). How to talk about adoption: Embracing multiple perspectives to support a child’s emotional well-being. Child & Family Blog. https://childandfamilyblog.com/how-talk-about-adoption-embracing-multiple-perspectives/

Ranieri, S., Zambelli, M., Ferrari, L., Tagliabue, S., Rosnati, R., & Brodzinsky, D. (2025b). Measuring communication openness within adoptive families: The psychometric properties of the multi-informant Adoption Communication Openness Scale. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 49(1), 89-99. https://doi.org/10.1177/01650254241296395