An Introduction to Nonviolent Communication

What is nonviolent communication?

Nonviolent communication (NVC) was developed by American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s. It’s a communication technique designed to increase empathy, build connections, and protect relationships. It teaches us to observe carefully and reframe the way we express ourselves. The primary rationale behind the NVC is that “our emotions are a result of our unmet needs” (Rosenberg, 2015). So if we can nicely express our emotions and needs to others, the conflict can be avoided. 

Unhelpful strategies in communication

According to Marshall, ineffective communication usually contains judgments, denial of responsibility, and demands with threat, blame, or punishment (Rosenberg, 2015). These ineffective techniques usually provoke misinterpretation, resistance, defensiveness, and resentment. Identifying them in our daily conversation is the first step we can take to improve our language to communicate more effectively. 

 

Judgment

It’s normal to make judgments when we try to understand people, but in conversations, judgments can sometimes be hurtful and misleading. Saying things like “you are so arrogant for not listening to me” or “you are lazy for not cleaning your room” will escalate the violence in conversation. Insults, comparisons (“you are not as good as others”), put-downs, labels, and criticism are all forms of judgment. 

Denial of responsibility 

Blaming others is one form of denial of responsibility. Saying things like “you make me feel guilty” might be interpreted as “you are responsible for making me feel this way”. Asking people to take responsibility for our own emotions sounds like an irrational or unrealistic thing to do, but we use this type of language so often and most of the time we don’t even notice it! 

Denying choices is another commonly used form of denial of responsibility. Saying things like “I did this because I have to” or “I did this because I have no choice” can easily pass the blame to others so that we can be exempt from the consequences of our behaviors. 

Demands with threat, blame, or punishment

Sometimes using demands with threats or blame can easily get what we want. Parents also usually use this communication method to teach children how to behave appropriately. However, regularly using this type of language blocks compassion because it creates fear, shame, and stress. It also indicates the “badness” on part of people who behave in certain ways. Behavior changes caused by personal interests will last longer than those caused by avoidance of punishment.

The four components of NVC

To better express ourselves and engage in effective communication, the NVC model provides 4 simple and clear steps for us to follow:

Step 1: Focus on the observable actions that affect our well-being

What is Observation?

Observation is a neutral description of what a person did without mixing in any evaluation/judgments. It focuses on observable actions and allows us to communicate without criticism. For example, instead of saying that “I think you are a dominant person”, say “I noticed you talk over someone several times during the meeting” as a more neutral way to describe the actions someone did. Observation is not requiring us to abandon our own evaluation system or become completely objective but helping us to better distinguish between observation and evaluation. It also allows the listener to understand why we feel the way we feel and shows how we understand others. By doing so, we express more compassion for others and know ourselves better. 

Here are two tips to make a neutral observation:

1. Think of yourself as a camera – you can register the time, place, and actions without any interruption, and can quote exact statements others have said.
2. Try not to use the word “always”, “never”, or “barely” to exaggerate the frequency of a behavior that turns the observation into an evaluation. 

Step 2: Identify how we feel in relation to what we observe

Identify feelings

Identifying feelings is an important part of nonviolent communication and also an important skill that needs constant practice. Marshall developed the concept of non-feeling, which is an expression of a thought that is mixed with feelings (Rosenberg, 2015). For example, “I feel ignored” is an interpretation of the action of others that “I think you are ignoring me” which shows the need for “wanting to be seen”. Marshall believed that “our emotions are a result of our unmet needs”, so acknowledging and identifying our feelings can be the first step to identify the unmet needs which leads to making appropriate requests to people who can help us meet those needs.  

Here are two lists of vocabulary words that can help us identify non-feelings (Non-Feelings) and feelings (Feelings Inventory | Center for Nonviolent Communication). 

Here are two tips to share emotions without upsetting others:

1. Avoid blaming (same as the denial of responsibility). Try not to say “I feel X because you do Y”. A better way to express the source of our emotions is to find the unmet needs and say “I feel X because I want you to Y”. 
2. Clearly and honestly expressing our emotions is enough. But it’s actually tough because we are taught that showing emotions and expressing our needs makes us vulnerable and weak. Keep in mind that such expressions are not easy at the beginning, but it is worthwhile to keep learning and show empathy for our loved ones. 

Step 3: Find and share the unmet needs that create our feelings

Finding our needs is the most difficult part in the NVC process, especially because we are often taught to be considerate and think of others’ needs. In some cultures and different parenting styles, it’s selfish to express our own needs because we are taught to sacrifice our needs to satisfy others, sometimes for the whole family or a bigger social group.  Here is a list that can help us identify our needs (Needs Inventory | Center for Nonviolent Communication)

Step 4: Request what you need

How to make an appropriate request?

After identifying our needs and asking for help from others, making an appropriate request is the last step in the NVC process. By expressing a request, we leave the options of whether to help us to others. Therefore, instead of demanding (as discussed in the previous section), we give others time to think about our request. Here are some tips to make request:

1. Use positive action. Instead of saying what not to do, clearly express our needs by saying what we want others to do. If we do not allow others to do something, they can get confused about what they are able to do. Carefully thinking of our own needs and making a request with clear positive action can lead to a simple process of problem solving. 
2. Use open-ended questions. Open-ended question is a type of question whose answer is not “yes” or “no”. Instead of asking “do you want to” or “ is it okay? ”, using sentences like “how would it be for you if…” or “how would you feel about doing something” can incorporate others’ opinion into the discussion. 
3. Ask for a reflection. Sometimes the message we send is not the same message people received. If we want to know how others feel about our request, directly ask them by saying “how would you feel about that?” or “what thoughts do you have right now?”. In this way, we fully discuss the options for resolving difficulties and maintaining a reciprocal relationship. 

In summary, to complete a nonviolent communication model with other people, we should express ourselves by following those four steps one by one. Here is an example: “last night when I talked to you about a horrible thing that happened at work, I noticed that you were looking at your phone (Observation). I felt sad (feeling) because I wanted to be listened to and validated (Need). How would it be for you if you give me some supportive statements or validations for my feelings (Request)?” This might sound a little unnatural at first, but with practice, we will become better able to absorb the language and use it naturally.  Let’s spread more love and empathy to those around us!

Additional Resources:

The center of Nonviolent communication: https://www.cnvc.org/ 

Free online workshops by Marshall Rosenberg: FULL nonviolent-Communication-Workshop: Marshall Rosenberg (Subtitles) 

References:

Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent communication: A language of life. PuddleDancer Press.